I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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