if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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