this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
