I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
