I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
