I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
