I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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