My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize