so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
