I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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