now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
