addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
