thus making me awesome and them whores
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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