Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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