This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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