genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
