Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
