Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
