yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
