I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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