I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
