I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
