My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
