i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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