Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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