Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
