The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
