I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
