I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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