If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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