The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
