I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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