I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
