I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
