So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
