I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
