Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
