I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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