I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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