PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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