Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
