I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
