dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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