I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
