So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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