can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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