i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
