At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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