Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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