They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
