LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
