if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
